The problem with me is that when I am sad, I expect people around me to be sad as well. Have you ever heard of anything more selfish, more egoistic, than that? I have the ability to shut down and shut others out. I also am quite skilled at not being able to amuse myself. I fear that as I get older, I wait for things to happen instead of making them happen. Which is not good at all.
When I put on a show, it’s like draping black curtains over the windows and mirrors of a house. How hard is it to remember that I am 29 and not 16 anymore? I expect others to read my mind, to solve my problems, to comfort me, without me saying a word to them. It ends up in chaos, in confusion. It ends in silence: suffocating black curtains blocking out the sun, blocking out my reflection, so that I cannot look into my own eyes and realise that a hole too deep has been dug; that what I started, from something nonsensical, has blown out of proportion and now has powers of its own.
I envy others; I feel superiour to others; I do not know what I want. The problem with me is that I have never really learned how to talk about things that seem important to me, just because I am afraid that other people will find it unimportant.
Currently listening to:
The Album Leaf
Into the Blue Again
7 comments
Makis says:
Jul 25, 2008
Just keep your black curtains hanging. Sometimes it’s a necessity like when we need to keep growling monsters away for the safety of the town
But since we are not truly monsters (although sometimes I wonder), you will just emerge, craving for light. Hope you feel better.
charl says:
Jul 25, 2008
I kinda echo what you are feeling right now, Kala. Whatever can we do about it?
sparks says:
Jul 26, 2008
hang in there kiddo. *hug*
haze says:
Jul 27, 2008
I don’t know what happened to my comment
! Anyway, hoping that you feel a lot better now. Son’t block yourself with that black curtains, you are driving man so get out and have fun ! Take care 
!
Yen says:
Jul 28, 2008
text m lang ako paliligayahin kita LOL
prang ang laswa ng dating hahahaha…
mag food trip tyo at patatabain kta LOL
kala says:
Jul 30, 2008
Thanks everyone! Yeps, am too old for angst…
nicole says:
Aug 17, 2008
we are our worst critics. we fear what others say not because of their judgment (who cares anyway) but the truth we find in it sometimes. so there’s only one way to roll. face it or get stuck in this paranoid comfort zone where our deepest fears can seem like warm blankets. don’t get too cozy. heaven knows i did. now i’m ripping these blankets to sheds
like you will too.