We rip another page off the calendar. I look forward to things, but I look backwards as well and get a sinking feeling in my chest. Sometimes I feel that my heart is dropping, which makes it harder to walk because it falls to my feet, weighing me down, so I have to shuffle around the city, and people in trains or buses or on the streets look at me in pity and think, “Look at her.” Look at me. If they knew my heart was falling at the rate it was falling, they would have hugged me.
I suspect my heart falls because I keep on looking back, keep on evaluating myself. I am not happy with myself, because I have not achieved the things I said I would achieve. These thoughts keep me up at night, more often these days, maybe because I am alone. At nights I look up at the ceiling and feel it descending, or else feel my bed start to grow towards the ceiling until it becomes too claustrauphobic, leaving me to hug my knees to my chest because I’ve filled up the room, like a Magritte painting; a huge apple trapped in a room.
I panic when I think about the years I have not worked, the number of times I’ve been rejected, the feeling of falling short of my own expectations. It makes me doubt myself and my abilities: am I not good enough, am I doing something wrong, am I not good enough, am I doing something wrong… over and over until it exhausts me and I fall asleep, panicking even in dreams. “Look at her,” say the passers-by in my dreams. Look at me, I think, staring at my hands, or out the window, or at anything that is taking place in my dream. Look at her.
Before he left, I think it was before going to the airport, or even a few days before that, he told me, “You have to be patient. You have to act like an adult.” And I try. But I don’t think any of us really know what it is to be an adult (well, I certainly don’t). I think the only definition of being an adult is being able to get through the day. Because there are a million people out there who wake up with either anticipation or dread, and eat a breakfast they either have the appetite for or not, and go to a job they either love or hate, and by the time they are home, exhausted, still manage to eat dinner, or walk the dog, or get into an argument, make passionate love, or soak in the bath. Or maybe to be an adult is to bury your face into your loved one’s neck, wrapped in an embrace, hearing that person say “Whatever it is that is bothering you, you can escape to this,” and actually escaping.
17 comments
Bruja in Barnsley says:
Feb 11, 2007
once again, beautifully expressed…
I think your loved one has just identified what “being an adult” means when he said “be patient”.
That’s what it all really boils down to. It is such an underrated thing, patience. Kids don’t know what it is, DON’T WANT to know what it is, and I suppose as adults, we are now expected to know and exercise or perhaps endure PATIENCE. I say it’s underrated because it is such a DAMN HARD thing to be in posession of. Especially if you are being eaten alive by the nagging thought that your time is running out, there’s so many things to do, accomplish and life is just passing you by. As you said, millions of people FEEL that way. It’s little consolation but that’s just the way it is for most, myself included. (no sh*t)
Just stay focus girl, at least you know what you want. Not many people do. You’ll get there, might take more time than you’re prepared to give it but in the end, once you’re there, it won’t matter so much.
And I’ve just baked some nice muffins and I know food does not excite u one bit, so Nunu & I’ll have one for u!
Oh, u did say u like liquids… this is for u…*hands over steaming chocolate mug*
xKeep it realx
biberli says:
Feb 11, 2007
thanks for this. it reminds me that i am not alone in this ugly feeling. impatience and being insecure because i feel i am not doing enough, am not pushing enough.
Makis says:
Feb 11, 2007
If you feel bad, I should feel like killing myself now (don’t panic, just a figure of speech It’s not as if you’re not doing anything (like someone like…me?!) – right time, right place, right person, right circumstances, the same old bullshit (but equally real) but maybe you’re just in transit to new circumtances (again) & I’m sure with optimism (and I don’t say all your other traits that will lead to your success) you’ll be crossing every one of them on your list of achievements to achieve but I hate to say this, but you have to be patient Just look forward.
AnP says:
Feb 11, 2007
just think of it as a phase. later when you have finally achieved what you have set out to do in life, you’d be glad that you have to go through this phase because then you’d be able to savor your success more. you’ll value what you have worked hard for more.
easier said than done pero… be patient.
kat says:
Feb 11, 2007
i don’t know what it is to feel like an adult either, so you’re definitely not alone. we all go through these phases of deep questioning. mine is wondering why the hell i’m 30, with a job, and still have a huge debt and no savings. and i’m always wondering if i’m fulfilling my potential –my idea of who i want ME to be (without anyone else’s expectations in mind).
cheer up! this too shall pass.
apol says:
Feb 11, 2007
I think a big part of starting to become an adult is owning your life, saying, I got here because of the choices I made and now I’m going to make some more choices so that here becomes the place I really want to be.
Anyway, I know I promised her to you weeks ago, but Sandrine the Parisienne kitty IS coming soon. I hope she cheers you up a bit. Meow.
Mik says:
Feb 11, 2007
sometimes i catch myself doing the same thing and i wonder if i can ever catch up with my fleet-footed ideal self that just slipped around the corner.
lately i’ve been having dreams of what-could-have-been so vivid they left me scared shitless. and then i look at my life now and i know i’d rather have this (despite my constant complaining).
it’s a slippery, tricky slope –that one right over your shoulder. you’re never sure if your eyesight’s still 20/20 when you look back.
Junnie says:
Feb 11, 2007
it happens to the best of them…and it happens to even the most successful people. i know this too shall pass, but for now, enjoy the ride, it may never come back again on this one-way street.
hugs…
haze says:
Feb 11, 2007
To be an adult is not the question of age, of what you did not achieved, or not having a professional life for the moment. But an ADULT is someone who has self control, know how of decision making, seriousness, experience and independence! And I guess , these qualities exemplifies you!
Will not elaraborate too much you know what I mean ! Like everyone here it’s just a phase and it will pass by. Cheer up and keep a positive attitude!
Jing says:
Feb 11, 2007
kala, we all are adults. Who ever told you that being completely one does mean losing our childish ways.
You see, Im an adult too… and while Im still searching for answers to the same questions you ask of yourself… that makes me an adult, Still!!!
*passes a lighter for your cig.*
charlie says:
Feb 11, 2007
the main difference between adults and children are the expectations we put on ourselves and other people. we put these pressures on ourselves because others are expecting that at certain times in our lives, we should have achieved this and that. who made the rules in the first place? whoever said that success should be measured in having a job that pays, a house to come home to and a nice meal to feed the body? take heed in having a shoulder to lean your head against and arms to comfort you in a warm embrace.
G. says:
Feb 11, 2007
thanks for writing this, kala. it’s like you transcribed what’s been bothering me all this time.
i’ve been trying to grow up for years now. act responsible. be an adult. but i always feel like i’m failing.
i’ve never been good at poker. so, these cards that life dealt me, i don’t know exactly how to play them. but as long as i have chips to play, i will make them last as long as i can. until i feel confident to finally feel like i have a good hand and that i know what i’m doing. when that time comes, i will go ‘all in’.
meanwhile, i will tell myself, “cheer up, you’re not alone”. and, maybe i will feel better. so, again, i thank you.
duke says:
Feb 11, 2007
I secretly still do not want to grow up. Being an adult is just so complicated and there are just so many expectations.
Irene says:
Feb 11, 2007
I know that feeling well, and I can so relate. really. I’ve cried and prayed and begged the universe for answers and opportunities that never came. kids got sick more often, leaving me with no time to really think about where I want to go, what I want to do. I was really confused and feeling like nothing. then a good friend said to me that the first step towards healing and eventually, getting your motivation, courage and creativity back, is to indulge in something just for you every day. step out your comfort zone. what are the simple things you most take joy from? for me, it’s watching CSI, or knitting for friends and lately, going out in the city to take Polaroid pictures. it may sound silly, but it worked for me. hope it helps.
ps: Kala, email me if you want us to get together some day, ok?
Jap says:
Feb 11, 2007
I know that escape. On the eve of my departure from PI, I cried so hard in my lover’s arms. It was (and still is) the most unfair thing in my life. But I’m no longer 17 and no amount of tears can ever exempt me from certain responsibilities I am expected to face.
Up until now I thought that I was just being a baby. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone at being alone.
BTW, I notice you like Salinger too.
“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them— if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.”
-Mr. Antolini to Holden Caulfield “The Catcher in the Rye”
You have a gift. I feel calm and at home after reading your posts. It may take time for me to read everything but I’m glad I found it =) thanks for this poetry.