My stomach isn’t at its best state at the moment. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that things don’t seem to be heading towards the right direction. I’m always driving down a dark country road, no lightposts and lots of curves. And even though I have a map I could check, for example, I couldn’t because, of course, the car’s overhead light bulb needs to be changed. So, in short, that’s the situation I’m in. Even the colours are off, dreamy, blurred. You know how strange the sunlight is during winter days? The sun always looks as if it’s trying its best to reach the earth, but it can’t, so instead the world is tinted a pale yellow, with a hint of pink. Jaundiced sunlight.
The novelty of filling my days is starting to get old. I’m frustrated in the strangest way. There’s a certain offness to the way I look at things now. Plus I don’t make much sense. I wish I could go out and buy a Better Mood.
Last night I dreamt of a country road, tall grass, walking barefoot, throwing sticks. I dreamt of a car sinking, saving the passengers. I dreamt of buses overturning, just as I was leaning my forehead against the glass to look at the landscape. Until now – a huge lunch, a tennis game later – I still feel the tightness in my chest as the car sank into the water, my fingers numb, trying to unclasp my seatbelt. I still remember how I surfaced from the water, gasping. I still remember being in the overturned bus, watching the ceiling rush up to me with a certain calm. That’s it… There was a certain calmness about everything. As if I was trying too hard, but it didn’t make a difference. Like winter sunlight.
Julien bought me a plant. Maybe in the hopes of cheering me up. And it did. It looks ferocious, has spiky leafy ends, and its little trunk looks almost like a banana tree’s. We named him Bruno.
19 comments
Irene says:
Feb 11, 2007
I love that you gave your plant a name
I feel like I can so relate to your feelings, though I can’t explain them myself nor give you advice or solution. unfortunately. but there are a couple of things that help me when I’m in such a mood. I try to stop “wanting” my life to be different in any way, fill my head with things I enjoy like art, poetry, reality tv, people and fashion magazines and my body with good food like cheese, éclairs au café and fraisiers. I try to be good to myself. so be good to yourself. ((hugs))
Makis says:
Feb 11, 2007
winter has hit me like a violent tornado, twisting an innocent day. these days, the weather has his mood swings too. i wonder if some things are just a matter of getting used to – or it’s just a silent surrender. either way, there’s always the calm after the storm & you pick up the pieces to get you through yet another day. think spring!
Junnie says:
Feb 11, 2007
was in that overturning bus too. glad you came out alive….
my recommendation : 3 letters for you – E S L
SmiLE. LiStEn. LovES. LivES. EviLS. LESs. SLavE. SElL. LEaveS. SiLEnt. SLEep.
JoKuiipo says:
Feb 11, 2007
I hope you continue to feel better.
disastermari says:
Feb 11, 2007
Dear Kala,
You are experiencing a fierce case of ennui of the deepest intellectual kind. I wish I could help.
Kala says:
Feb 11, 2007
heya everyone, thanks for all the encouraging comments…
irene, ive been taking your suggestion. Have been eating saucisson and drinking Clairette without allowing myself to feel guilty about it, hehe. It’s quite easy!
miam miam
makis, yeah, im trying to gear myself for spring
junnie, ESL also means English as a Second Language. Maybe it means I should get away from France for awhile? Hmmm…
Jo, me too…. sometimes i really wish that pharmacies would sell Better Moods in bright blue bottles…
mari, your wishing to help helps a lot. ive actually been going out of my mind and have started recording my dreams, have even asked julien to buy me a dream book – i think im in this certain phase where im starting to go nuts just staying home all day. now i know why cats need gardens.
erika says:
Feb 11, 2007
yes, there are those times when everything seems off and you just can’t pinpoint why. during which, i just tend to sulk a bit, sigh a lot, and immerse myself in music. ^o^
glad you’re feeling better!
Mik says:
Feb 11, 2007
Don’t exactly know what to tell you as am going through a similar phase and trying to distract myself like mad…
It will pass, as most things do.
Pia says:
Feb 11, 2007
It’s funny because I’m going through a lethargic period, ever since the New Year started. I’ve tried to be upbeat by just counting the good things in my life, and found that there were many things. That helped make me feel better, but I do still feel zombie-like.
I hope you feel better. I need to tell you though that you write beautifully, whether you’re expressing joy or sorrow.
AnP says:
Feb 11, 2007
perhaps spring will come with a better mood.
elen says:
Feb 11, 2007
every time i think of the name Bruno i can’t stop thinking of a mean, nasty man.
hope you feel way much better today.
Toni says:
Feb 11, 2007
I hope Bruno helps pick your mood up.
*HUGS*
kat says:
Feb 11, 2007
kala, guess what i got in the mail yesterday? my christmas card to you got returned to me! i copied your address just like you wrote but alas, it seems my card was never destined to reach you!
analyse says:
Feb 11, 2007
hi kala, spring’s near, hope it will bring good mood there in aix..
Christine says:
Feb 11, 2007
hey Kala girl — hope you’re feeling better now. {{hugs}}
guido says:
Feb 11, 2007
Hello, my lovely Friend Claudia tell me about your Blog. And I like the idea with the robots! Your Portfolio and all your other stuff in the net looks very good (sorry for my bad english.. i hope you know what my words are meaning).
keep your head up – spring is coming soon!
Kid E says:
Feb 11, 2007
where’s bruno’s pic? some mother you are.
Kid E says:
Feb 11, 2007
and who the hell is claudia???
Kala says:
Feb 11, 2007
I’m a protective mother. Don’t want my children to be exposed to possible plant molesters…
Claudia is my wonderful German neighbor. Well, she lives 2 buildings away, at least.