You are NOT Filipino if you haven’t ridden a jeepney during the rainy season. Nine people squeezed into a horizontal plank, all holding dripping wet umbrellas and bags, is NOT a good way to start your day, but that’s as Pinoy as you can get. Oxygen was never meant to enter a jeepney, and I believe it was built to elude the concept of “personal space”. In fact, riding a jeepney on a very rainy and bad day is equivalent to group rape. With a participation fee of 4 pesos. And a driver.
To pay my homage to the jeepney, here are some of the Written and Unwritten Rules about riding the Most Dreaded Transportation On Earth:
1. The best seats in the jeepney are the front seats. Just be sure to move your legs away from the stick shift (cambio in Filipino), especially if the driver’s a maniac.
2. The second best seats in the jeepney are the seats closest to the door (or should I say “hole”, since it isn’t a really a door). This may also be known as the WORST seat, though, as the sabits (or the guys who hang onto the door when there are no seats available) decide to stick the crooks of their arms into your face. Breeeathe, sugar, breeeathe.
3. There are a number of ways to stop a jeepney, and they are
(a) shouting PARA HO!!! at the top of your lungs and praying to the saints in heaven that the driver will hear you before continuing, clueless of your desire to get off, all the way to Antipolo;
(b) knocking your knuckles against the aluminum jeepney roof, although this is considered unflattering; (c) pulling on a string that stretches from the middle of the jeep roof all the way to the driver.
Letter (c) is funny though, since you’ll never know what you’re going to get – most of the time it’s a corny tune like Baa Baa Black Sheep, or a buzz similar to that of an electric chair. Sometimes though, it’s soundless and the jeepney miraculously stops, making me wonder where exactly that string is connected. Eew.
4. You are required to pass along the fare of fellow passengers if you are within arm’s length. I’ve seen fare being passed along by a total of five people before reaching the driver. It was a very long jeepney, I believe they were two jeepney bodies molded into one.
5. However, if you are in a foul mood as I usually am, you can refuse to pass along someon’s fare by turning your head to the window and/or by pretending to fall asleep, and/or scowling very menacingly and glaring till the person passes the fare to someone else. Don’t expect to win popularity votes, though.
6. A jeepney usually takes 9 people to fit in one row. Obviously, the person who measured the seats’ length believed that all passengers possessed the body size of Gwenyth Paltrow or Twiggy, effectively eliminating the more heavy-set passengers from their magnificent calculations. Therefore, there is a 97% chance that one passenger in the jeepney will be sitting half-a-butt on the seat. If you are unfortunate enough to be the Phantom Passenger (as I affectionately peg it), good luck, and be sure to dig those heels deep into the floor!
7. All jeepney drivers went to the School for Bad Musical Taste. Musical selections range from slow rock (Michael Learns to Rock to Bon Jovi), to Pinoy Rap (including S2upid Love et al), to sentimental crap you wish you never heard again (A-ya-yay Pag-Ibig, et al), to horrifying disco beats. All are played at maximum volume. Of course, maximum volume! You wouldn’t graduate from School for Bad Musical Taste without learning the importance of maximum volume.
8. All jeepney drivers passed the Are You Cheesy Enough School of Interior Decorating. Magna cum laudes are not difficult to spot – they are the ones that have decorated their jeepneys with disco balls that actually work, speakers under the seats, and black lights that make everyone’s teeth glow green.
9. It is surprising how, given the conditions, jeepney passengers are able to unwittingly avoid eye contact. It is also surprising the number of jeepney passengers who insist on making eye contact. To choose the lesser evil, please do not maintain eye contact. It is considered rude.
10. It is also considered rude to read your neighbor’s cellphone, or reading someone’s received sms message, in the jeepney.
11. Jeepney drivers will most likely start the motor while you are still getting off the jeepney. Lithe bodies are required to get off. Only after having walked three steps away from the jeepney will you be assured that you are, finally, safe.
12. Some people pull the jeepney trick of not paying. Have you ever done this? (Don’t act so innocent) This is done by sitting very quietly at the end of the jeepney, and getting down as quietly as possible at a popular stop, where most people go down. Do not draw attention to yourself, look as if you’ve paid the fare. Very silently. Like the snake you are.
13. Jeepney drivers can be classified into the following categories:
(a) The ones that do not care about you – they start driving before you get into your seat/before you get off the jeepney.
(b) The ones that care too much – they make small talk and repeat, cheerfully, over and over to levels of irritation, that there are 3 more seats available. They also address female passengers as “Miss Beautiful”; for example: “There’s one more seat on the right, scoot over, let Miss Beautiful have a seat, there ya go Miss Beautiful.”
(c) The ones that are deaf – No matter how many times you shout, plead, pull on the string, they will drop you off half a mile from your stop, unapologetically might I add.
If it sounds like I detest riding jeepneys or that riding them are like walking towards death with open eyes, I don’t mean it that way. I’ve had fantastic jeepney rides – sitting on top a jeepney in Camiguin with baskets of fruit, bouncing across a crowded jeepney on a dirt road to the Underground River, having a whole jeepney to myself during Holy Friday. The worst jeepney rides and conditions take place in Manila, but hell, it’s the only reliable mode of transport we have, and since I’ve survived every single ride I’ve taken, that doesn’t give much reason to stop riding them now. Until I learn to drive. Pray for my driver’s exam.
