Housewives X and Y are talking over the fence separating their homes. X wears a sad expression. Y is bursting with positivity.
[Y:] My goodness, where does all this sadness come from?
[X:] I don’t know. I really don’t know.
[Y:] Maybe if you’d frown less you’ll feel better about yourself!
[X:] Oh yes?
[Y:] Yes. Yes, yes. I really think so. The vibes, the vibes within a five-mile radius of you are so hostile, so negative. You should lighten up a bit. You should find a release for all that negativity. You ruin a perfectly beautiful day, with that attitude of yours.
[X:] Oh yes?
[Y:] Yes, oh god yes.
[X:] You really think so?
[Y:] Oh, for crying out loud, yes, yes YES. [pause] Say, I’ve got an idea!
[X:] What idea is that, dear neighbor.
[Y:] Why don’t you come and watch the Oprah show with me? They have this doctor on the show, he’s so heaven-sent… Doctor Phil is his name.
[X:] What does this Doctor Phil do?
[Y:] Oh, he’s… he’s like a miracle worker! He can exhume all the negative vibes from your system, he can teach you wonderful things about positivity and focusing your attention to things that matter, those little details we take for granted, oh, Doctor Phil is just the person to lead you back into the light!
[X:] The light.
[Y:] The light of positivity, of course!
[X:] Oh, that light.
[Y:] Oprah is on after lunch… how about we turn on the tv in my newly-upholstered living room?
[X:] Sure. Will Doctor Phil make me feel better about sleeping with your husband last night?
[Y:] Oh, I assure you, Doctor Phil will make you feel better about anything. And he’s got the cutest little moustache. And now I know how much you like moustaches!
[X:] I’ll bet Doctor Phil taught you about forgiveness too, didn’t he?
[Y:] He sure did!
[X:] Then by all means, let me just go take the apple pie out of the oven and put it by the window to cool, so we can watch the Oprah show and renew my failing positivity with the help of Doctor Phil!
[Y:] And while you’re doing that, I’ll just go and make us some fresh pink lemonade to sip while watching the show!
[X:] Praise Oprah! Praise Doctor Phil!
[Y:] Praise positivity in the light of adultery!
[X and Y, together:] Hurrah!
Doctor Phil sucks.
